Portland's Premiere Punk Rock Bakery: Voodoo Doughnut

Monday, 01 February 2010

Portland's Premiere Punk Rock Bakery: Voodoo Doughnut

This is a definite DON'T-nut.

The "Speedball" Doughnut had an understandably short life. It's contents-cough syrup and caffeine-just didn't vibe with the anarchic youth contingency of Portland, Oregon. Actually, more like, it *did* vibe with Portland's youth, which in turn did *not* vibe with Portland police.

Other confectionery concoctions from Voodoo Doughnut-Portland's prideful baking establishment run by two guys named Tres Shannon and Cat Daddy-were the Jägermeister doughnut, the Nyquil doughnut, and the Pepto Bismol doughnut-all of which were murdered by a simple phone call from some totally fascist government agency called the FDA claiming that "you can't put medicine in food."

Buzzkills.

This frosting is Pepto-Abysmal.

For those of you *not* looking for bakery treats that knock you out and keep you going at the same time, I've listed the most interesting, not-extinct items from the menu below. Have a drool napkin ready...

Grape Ape
With vanilla frosting and grape powder, this raised doughnut saves you the unnecessary trouble of making Kool-Aid to accompany your snack.

Arnold Palmer
A cake doughnut covered with lemon and tea powder, following the theme of the grape ape, the AP asks...why order a drink when you have me?

Butter Fingering
Devils Food + Vanilla + Crushed Butterfingers = Not That Shocking But I Liked The Name So It's Here

Neapolitan
This chocolate doughnut with vanilla frosting and Strawberry Nesquik powder reminds me of when I went to India in 1992 and my aunt told me she knew how to make this thing called "pizza" and then when she served it to me it was toast with ketchup and veggies on top. Not even gonna lie: it was mad good.

Triple Chocolate Penetration
Chocolate (Doughnut + Glaze + Cocoa Puffs) = I'm Immature.

Stick him where it hurts!!!...is what someone who believes in that stuff would say. *shifty eyes*

Voodoo Doughnut
Dressed like a gingerbread man, with red jelly blood gushing out from inside, this edible voodoo doll is capable of causing immense pain and pleasure at the same time.

Dirty Snowball
This chocolate cake doughnut covered with a pink marshmellow glaze seems otherwise harmless...it's the "surprise filling" that troubles me a bit. Depending on how much Tres and Cat reveal to me about the filling's contents when I make it out there, I'll have to call this one a DON'T-nut for now. *giant prolonged wink*

The Memphis Mafia
This one clearly came from Fat Elvis' mouth to God's ears to Cat Daddy's oven: it contains chocolate chips, banana, peanut butter and copious glaze.

Cock-n-Balls
This triple cream filled, explicitly shaped dessert is a bachelorette party favorite, because some bachelorettes are immature (See: Me). Luckily for those who still care about decency, it comes in its own pink box. The box says "good things come in pink boxes."

Many people are immature.

Vegan
Assorted flavors! A bakery after my own heart <3.

Have you ever gone/would you ever go to Voodoo Doughnut? What do you think of these menu items? Are they Cat Daddy's meow or just big, fat, DO(ugh)-NOTS?